Monday, July 9, 2012

Assault Veggie Ban in the works

 After the recent assassination attempt on our Governor Branstad, State Senate leaders Mike Gronstal and Jack Kibbie announced the formation of a study committee whose focus is to make food safer for elected politicians.

"Its unfortunate that Republicans chose snacks that are choking hazards," remarked Gronstal. "President Bush choked on a pretzel, and now Governor Branstad had to be rushed to a hospital because of a carrot. I mean, [former] Governor Culver would never have chosen a healthy or salty snack item. He preferred something soft, like cake or ice cream."

Senator Kibbie added, "Until these assault snacks are removed from our grocers shelves, or at the very least, cooked thoroughly or pounded into mush, no elected Democrat would dare to indulge themselves on raw vegetables or salty and tasty snacks. That would also include Sterzings since the company isn't in my district and they're probably run by Republicans."

A Libertarian think-tank spokesman, Lee V. Mealone, decried the announcement, stating: "This is another attempt by state Democrats to meddle in people's lives. What's next, ban broccoli and cauliflower unless they are deep-fat fried? While everyone should enjoy them fried up on the specialty plate along side onion rings, I don't understand the reason to ban raw veggies. Iowans deserve the freedom to choose the crispiness of their foods."

Although the largest grocery chain in Iowa, HyVee, had no comment, previously stocked fresh produce sections were mysteriously depleted and many shoppers throughout the state noticed the missing orange roots. Miss Ida Grove commented, "I was checking out the Muscatine melons and I turned around and all of the carrots were gone. Now, you tell me what I'm supposed to shred up and put in my lime jello for the church pot luck. I don't think cabbage would be a good choice, do you?"

After a brief check up at a local hospital Governor Branstad returned to the USS Iowa where he was joining in the celebration of the USS Iowa becoming a floating museum at the harbor in San Pedro, CA.Visit her at the Pacific Battleship Center.

The editors here at BTR are glad no harm came to Gov. Branstad and would like to remind everyone that the above writing is an attempt at satire. But do visit the USS Iowa and the Pacific Battleship Center at the links above.

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